Update Before New Posts

I've moved to a different store. This one is far more busy and littered with drama and uncomfortable situations. I think I'm going to change the narrative of the blog though so I won't be discovered as easily. Can someone be fired for airing their dirrty work laundry for the masses? Meh, whatevs.

Anyways, here goes another round and hopefully this one will last longer than before.

XOXO,
Coffee Boy

I'm Back Bitches,,,

It's been a while. I know I shouldn't have kept you waiting....

Posting shall recommence.

Coming soon.

Hell To Pay

I notive today that the greasy hair, baggy pants, dirty t-shirt, quasi-facial hair on men is coming back. I am NOT happy about this. It makes me feel dirty, and oddly enough, miss the metrosexual, a breed I used to dispise. A snippy Asian woman asks how much O.J. is before walking out when I tell her I'll be with her in a minute because I am helping someone else right now. She is the first of two people to do this today. A gorgeous black woman comes in and I have seen her SOMEWHERE before and for some reason I think it was on America's Next Top Model. She just looks soo familiar and perhaps like a contestant. I cannot place her name or season though. Hmm. The Russian is absent, though I know she will return, unfortunately. I look forward to days when she is not here. Though, there doesn't seem to be a set schedual of her time off. She will return, oh yes, and fill my days with hate and anger and frustration. One of the GAYEST men alive comes in with HUGE diamond earrings that pretty much blind me, long pearl and jade necklaces that an old woman would wear, a diamond encrusted watch and diamond bracelets. He has a woman's handbag that had what looks like real glod chains on it. His hair is thinning and yet he has it cut and styled like that of a man 20 years his junior. And the awful clincher on and otherwise ok day is that a stupid son of a bitch ruined my coat. I do not keep my coat in a locker because I have not been assigned one yet and the "stupid, fat one" still puts bleach directly on the floor when the manager is not around. Now my coat is dangerously close to the ground and with one lazy fuckin slosh, my coat is ruined. I am done with work and just fucking leave ASAP. When I get home, I start my project. I completely finish bleaching the coat. It is now a light dirty brown color. I also bought black dye (the coats' ORIGINAL color) and tomorrow before work, I am going to the laundromat to dye my coat back to the old lovely black it used to be. And if it's ruined, there will be hell to pay. The only reason I did not bitch this fucker out is because he barely speaks English and he wouldn't understand it, so I am going to wait and see what happens and if anything goes wrong, I am getting a translator and bitching the fuck out of this motherfucker.

Seven Dollars 1/31/06

So I am about to kill a bitch. The Russian is royaly pissing me off. I am tired of this yeast infected cunt ordering me around and giving me dirty looks. This shit is so not cute. And she stole the cookie I told her I wanted. Of all the things, that pisses me off the most. Don't come between me and my sugar rush! Some coy Swedish woman tries to flirt with me and play yound for some unknown reason but she is DEFINATELY 50 or older...and I'm not into that shit. I found a certain code that I will not state here that allows me to break into the register. I know it is not a manager's code or any code for another co-worker because it's 40 numbers long. I will hold this information until it becomes useful. A guy tips me $7...my first REAL tip. I know that I have to conceal it or I must put it in the jar and lose. So I slowly crumple it into a ball, put it in my pocket and go to the bathroom. In the bathroom, I pull out the money, fold it neatly and stick it in my underwear where no one will ever find it. A black guy stole the tips today before I got there. Which is why it was so easy for me to take mine. They took the jar away. Awesome. Close to closing, we always tell people that everything is to go. A middle aged guy raises his voice to me saying that we shouldn't kick people out. I look at him and he can see in my eyes that it's not my decision or my cafe. I make coffee. He quickly calms down and goes away. A fag flirts with me but seriously, this guy is only a 6 and I don't go below a 7 even in desperate times ever so he's already failing there. I don't do mediocre. That and when he slides a $10 across the counter, his fingernails are filthy. This would never happen, even I could. Silly faggot.

Penny Bleed 1/30/06

I am sooo tired. I didn't get my morning Starbucks cause my local one is closed for remodeling. Fuckers. Some guy comes into today wearing a huge fanny pack. The fanny pack of death which marks people as a tourist. I feel back for him. People should not sell these things anymore. It only causes embarassment and instant hatred towards anyone wearing one. A double machiatto is two shots of espresso with foam spooned out onto the top of it. A cappucino is two shots of espresso with foam on top too. These are the same drinks. Only the machiatto is more expensive. ALWAYS ORDER A CAPPUCINO! The Spaniard tells me she has diaherria. She asks me what she can and can't eat. I tell her no coffee, chocolate, caffiene, cigarettes, dairy, etc. Things that make your system go faster, ya know? She tells me that she has no life without all these things. I DO tell her she can eat solids like bread and meat and fruit (NO PRUNES). She ain't happy. A man comes in who smells like my dad. A man I dispise and have deep rooted hatred for. He smells like my dad so much that it makes me think of my childhood and I am confused. I throw a penny at my manager and make his finger bleed. A creepy couple orders coffee but I cannot help but flinch at them. The man looks like Napoleon Dynamite if he was htirty years older. The woman looks like a mix between Morticia Addams and if that girl in the well from The Ring had downs syndrome or a really bad case of mono. They give me the wiggins....boring day.

Busiest Day Ever!

Ok, listen up bitches. If you are rude to me or use a sarcastic/demanding tone, you ain't gettin no smile and "Have a good day." You getting an icy look of death and cold coffee. Today was my busiest day EVER! I had credit cards and cash flying at my face all day ith customers barking in my face and CONSTANTLY adding on to their orders after I had rung them up. Some bleach blonde cunt needs tin foil for some gad damned reason and when I stop EVERYTHING I am doing to get it for her she calls me rude when I give her a "get the fuck out" look afterwards. "Damn right, I'm rude, bitch now go chew on your tin foil and leave!" Some high and mighty Polish chick acts like she better than me but seeing maoynaisse smeared across her face as she eats her sandwich in front of me makes me feel superior. I am declaring all out WAR against the Russian. If you have been reading, you know about how angry I am that I am expected to refill milk and supplies when I get to work and then before I leave for her when she opens. Ok, so when I arrive at work, I get everything I need and then move to the register, and then she goes to the register in the back where she gets about 5 customers every half hour. Now I have been getting slammed for about an hour and a half when I start running out of milk and cups. I make a quick list of what I need and tell Mocha Boy, who has broken into a sweta behind me, to give it to the Russian and have her get the shit for me. 10 minutes later, Mocha Boy returns carrying all the shit on my list. "Did she get it for you?" I asked him. "No. She said it is our responsibility." "No...no! no! no!" ............."Listen bitch, when I ask YOU to get some thing, I mean YOU! Not him! Why? Because I need him to make the fucking coffee for me and I need to run the damn register! You are standing down here, sipping your damned iced tea and doing your nails! You wanna tell me why you can't go get the damn shit yourself? Get down off your fucking throne and do some damned work! I have never once seen you bring so much as one fucking cup up from that fucking basement, so don't fuck with me cause the only thing that beats a diva is a homo, so fuck you!" I walk away. "Bitch best not make me get my nameplate ring and leave an imprint on her face!" I mumble under my breath. A man with an eyepatch orders from me. Not an ordinary pirate "argh!" eyepatch, but some weird filtered thing taped to his left eye. I keep trying to to stare but he catches me repeatedly before storming off. Oops, my bad. Another man, who is not all there mentally, wants a pina colada smoothie. He asks what is in it, and I tell him the mix, milk and ice. "No, I mean what's in the mix?" "Um...." I read the label. "Coconut, pineapple, water, vitamin C." "Oh see, I tried to make a pina colada smoothie at my house and it tasted disgusting." "O..k.." "I put in a pina colada and ice and that milk from a can and it was gross!" "Condensed milk?!?!" "Yeah" "I imagine that would taste pretty gross then...you're not supposed to drink condensed milk straight, it's used for cooking." Just then his aide comes up and ruches him out the door looking extremely embarassed. And finally, just a note about something that annoys me. If you want two or more forks, then don't ask for "a fork," ask for two or more forks cause otherwise you're just getting one...and don't look at me like I'm the stupid one, you said A fork!!

Asian Leather Daddy

Right outside my cafe, a man tried to hand me a flyer that I could see from half a block back. It said "Hot Naked Women." I laughed in his face when he tried to hand it to me and sidestepped around him and in the front door of my cafe. Can't people tell who the 'moes are? Today was like an Asian Invasion in my cafe. I would say about 80% of customers were of Asian decent. Apparently Canal St. is trying to take over Soho in one fell swoop. We ain't having it bitches! But the most hilarious thing in the world is an Asian leather daddy. He was wearing chaps over his jeans, a tight leather vest with no undershirt underneath his leather biker jacket. He had on a chained biker cap and was apparently trying to grow his version of a trucker 'stache to failed attempts. He looked like a child molester with a big wardrobe budget. A European man who looked waaayy too much like a woman tried to pay for his $3.80 latte with his $10 Metrocard. I tell him it is impossible. He looks at me confused like he thought it was good anywhere like a little credit card. WRONG! After repeated attempts to tell him he was incorrect, he reluctantly gave in and paid in cash. A man who looks like Neo/The Matrix from a bad sci-fi convention orders espresso. He is dressed all in black. Trenchcoat, dress pants, black shoes, baclk shirt, slicked black hair and black sunglasses. One problem with his whole Matrix look though. There was a huge Armani Exchange logo in white on his black shirt. Plus when he took off his sunglasses, he had downs syndrome eyes. Soooo not the chosen one. He pays and sits down and it takes me about three minutes of standing there saying "sir" over and over again to get his attention to get his god damned espresso. Oh, and the pain in my lower back is gone. Yay!

Big Ass 1/25/06

My stupid tight ugly hat makes me forehead break out. At least on fucking zit a day, which sucks cause the rest of my face is clear. Hell is forming in the mirror in front of me. I find out today that a man is cheating on his girlfriend/fiance/wife. Yesterday he was in all over this one chick, today he was in all over a different chick. I wonder which was is the steady one. I hope they find out about each other at my cafe so I can see a good cat fight. I find out that the black girl's name, the girl who works accross the street is either Jo or Joan. I couldn't really hear her cause i was busy and the music was loud. It was a steady boring day. Some guy with a pink mohawk comes in. The same color I used to have streaked in my hair. I tell him how often he should tough it up and to go to Ricky's to get the good hair dye. He may have though I was hitting on him, but I was just bored and needed someone to talk to. I have a message for the snotty emo-fag that came in today. Your fag hag has a huge ass, so stop telling her she's gorgeous. It's only going to make her fall more in love with you than she already it and give her higher self esteem than she should have for a girl with a big ass.

Beard Of Defiance

So now I am back to work after a long weekend with my sister who came to NYC to visit me. We spent the whole running from one place to the next so she could see everything. The Latino Thug keeps calling me "son." I am NOT his son and refuse to be referred to as such. I am wondering if this whole "son" business is just a subconscience primitive quest for dominance and repect, the deisre to be the Alpha Male. ??? Since the Mayor told me that he likes me clean shaven, I have decided to grow my beard of defiance. I don't wanna shave. Make me! The Latino Thug, my Manager and Mocha Boy are all obviously talking about masturbation in Spanish. Apparently, the correct verb for such an action is "POM! POM! POM!" while moving one's fist back and forth. The Russian is stupid and can't count. She tells me I need to get 8 whole milks when there is obviously only room for seven, and 6 soy milks when there is only room for 4. What the hell? I have to drag them back downstairs. These two Jeish chicks who are as dumb as a box of hair order decaf and repeatedly tell me to "make sure it's decaf" as I'm pouring it and when I make it for them, they change their minds to French Vanilla instead. "You know there's caffiene in those, right?" I say as I they drink from them. They both looked shocked. "You don't have decaf French Vanilla?" "Nope." Inside my head, I am basking in my success in beating them. They come back and ask if the wine we sell is kosher. I don't know why they care since they don't even look old enough to but any. One of the Olsen twins decided to grace my cafe with her presence. I can't tell which one it was because one of them always dresses nice and the other one like a hippie. The one who came in today was a mix between high fashion and bag lady chic so Mary Kate...or Ashley...if you are reading this...I have a name and it's not "Hey, gimmie a..." My favorite black girl from accross the street buys some zuccini bread and tries a sample of what we have out. She spits it into a napkin I have handed her when I tell her that people have been touching it all day. I have decided that the Russian is not merely switching back and forth between bitchy and politeness. She is a rare find. A polite bitch. She says things with a mixture of "I'm Better Than You" and "Please And Thank You." She will be destroyed. I just have to come up with a plan. The Mayor's teeneaged granddaughters come in and have lunch with him. The whole time they just sit there pecking at their salads, fake laughing and looking slutty. Again, I use or bread samples but in a bad way this time. Since the girls get free food anyway, I tell them they can just take some real pieces instead of the samples. "Those have been touched by people all day," I say as one of them swallows and then makes a disgusting look at me. A foreign man of indistiguishable origin comesin with his girlfriend and pays for what he has ordered. He handed me a dime when I needed a nickel, which he had in his hand. I put the dime back in his hand and took the nickel. "Five is bigger than ten?" he asked me, "Yes," I replied. He then said something to his girlfriend which I can only assume was a foreign "five bigger than ten" penis joke because they both burst out laughing. We had a small electrical fire today. Two extensions cords started smoking where they connected while one of the men I worked with quickly unplugged one of them. I just watch the smoke loom in the air before disappearing towards the ceiling. I probably would have died if I kept watching it the way I was and the fire got worse. Oh, well.